home. puking in laundry basket.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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