my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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