We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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