I heard we made out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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