Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
