My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize