how can u be prego again
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
