I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
