Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
