Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
