Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
