i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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