We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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