i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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