after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
