Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
