She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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