i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
