The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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