I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
