I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
