He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They have beer where we have blood.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
