Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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