This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
