Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
