Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
