the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
