I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
