I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
