Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
