i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
