while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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