Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
