can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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