Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
