wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
