please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
