I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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