I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
