The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
