So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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