I can text with my tongue
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize