Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
