i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
