I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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