I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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