I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
