My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
