She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
