When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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