Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
