May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
