I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
