girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize