my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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