Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize