anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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