i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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