I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
