Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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