My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
