It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
