You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
